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Amanda Mull

Why Gift-Giving Is So Stressful

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › newsletters › archive › 2023 › 11 › why-gift-giving-is-so-stressful › 676106

This is an edition of The Wonder Reader, a newsletter in which our editors recommend a set of stories to spark your curiosity and fill you with delight. Sign up here to get it every Saturday morning.

If you weren’t already feeling enough pressure to pick out the perfect holiday gifts, this article from Anna Goldfarb will do the trick: Gifts, both the great ones and the disappointing ones, say a lot more about the buyer than about the receiver. Gifts represent our feelings about other people but also the ways we see ourselves. No wonder choosing a gift can feel exhausting.

Yet the psychological complexity of gift giving can actually make it less stressful, Goldfarb argued last year: “Gift giving is a nuanced psychological transaction in which the givers also bring their own desires to the table,” and realizing that gift-giving is never a purely selfless act can help both givers and receivers lower their expectations, easing some of the anxiety, she notes. (Another way to ease the stress: Stop using gift as a verb. “‘Gifting’ is the ‘moist’ of the action-word world,” my colleague Megan Garber wrote back in 2014, and she is still correct.)

Below is a nontraditional gift guide, full of advice not for choosing the perfect gift but for protecting your sanity and joy during the process.

On Gift-Giving

Gift-Giving Is About the Buyer, Not the Receiver

By Anna Goldfarb

Many of us want to feel like we’re benevolent, yet we pay substantial attention to how the process of giving will make us feel about ourselves.

Why You’re Bad at Giving Gifts

By Derek Thompson

Ironically, we’re awful gift-givers precisely because we spend too much time trying to be considerate. (From 2014)

What Happens When You Buy From Gift Guides

By Amanda Mull

Every website wants to pick out your mom’s next cashmere sweater.

Still Curious?

An alternative to overspending on presents: Gift giving is a beloved—and expensive—tradition. But some people have found a way to partake without the cost. “I’m not sure why my sister stopped giving gifts to my children”: A reader writes in to our Dear Therapist column.

Other Diversions

A sort-of-common, very strange cat trick Autumn colors and autumn chill Why most of America is terrible at eating biscuits (From 2018)

P.S.

I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom from our happiness columnist to help you handle being given a bad gift.

— Isabel

Seven Great Reads From Our Editors

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › newsletters › archive › 2023 › 11 › your-weekend-reading-list › 676075

This is an edition of The Atlantic Daily, a newsletter that guides you through the biggest stories of the day, helps you discover new ideas, and recommends the best in culture. Sign up for it here.

Today, we’ll introduce you to The Atlantic’s time machine. Plus, our editors selected seven great reads for you to dive into this weekend.

Time-Travel Thursdays, our latest newsletter, is “for wanderers and wonderers,” our executive editor, Adrienne LaFrance, writes in a welcome note for new readers; it’s “for those who can’t pass a used bookstore without walking in; for readers of history and of science fiction; for the takers of scenic routes and makers of impulsive travel plans.” If that sounds like you, join us as we travel through The Atlantic’s history. Our archive, which dates back to 1857, tells the story of the American idea. It’s full of delightful treasures, poems worth memorizing, arguments worth considering, and episodes of history worth revisiting (and sometimes reviling).

To begin your trip back in time, read LaFrance’s exploration of how Atlantic writers have considered the future—both those predictions that came to pass and those that very much did not—and Ellen Cushing on an index of words that’s also an index of humans’ evolving thinking. Sign up for the newsletter here.

A Weekend Reading List

Many of the below stories have narrated versions, if you prefer to listen to them; just click the link and scroll to the audio player below the headline.

Self-Checkout Is a Failed Experiment

By Amanda Mull

In theory, self-checkout kiosks save customers time. In practice, Mull writes, the technology is a mess—and when a machine breaks, human employees are the ones who pick up the slack.

The Decolonization Narrative Is Dangerous and False

By Simon Sebag Montefiore

Using the framework of “decolonization” to understand the Israel-Palestine conflict is a “leap of ahistorical delusion,” Montefiore argues—one that disregards both Israel’s foundation and the Palestinians’ tragedy.

You Can Learn to Be Photogenic

By Michael Waters

In the selfie era, looking good on camera has become a social (and sometimes literal) currency. But contrary to popular belief, it might be a skill we can learn to improve.

The Secretive Industry Devouring the U.S. Economy

By Rogé Karma

Private equity has created a private economy, one where information as basic as who owns a company and how it makes money is inaccessible. This won’t end well, Karma warns.

What Matthew Perry Knew About Comedy

By Megan Garber

The actor gave his character on Friends a quality that is all too rare in sitcoms: vulnerability.

What Really Took Down Airbnb

By Annie Lowrey

It wasn’t the government; it was the housing market.

The Sociopaths Among Us—And How to Avoid Them

By Arthur C. Brooks

We’re all likely to meet someone whose charm hides their narcissism. For the sake of our happiness, we need to understand what makes these individuals tick.

Culture Break

Jessica Sample / Gallery Stock

Read. Try one of these eight books that explain how the technologies we take for granted—skyscrapers, airplanes, sewage systems—actually work.

Watch. The Marvels, now in theaters, is fizzy and lightweight, a refreshing change of pace for a bogged-down superhero franchise.

And on the small screen, Nathan Fielder’s new show, The Curse, skewers reality TV while questioning morality’s role in entertainment. The result is an uncomfortable but worthwhile watch.

Play our daily crossword.

P.S.

For the carnivorous American, it goes without saying: Thanksgiving means turkey. But the bird we cook (and, let’s be honest, sometimes overcook) has been known by other names—hindi in Turkey, tarki in Hindi, “guinea-fowl-rooster-peacock” in (translated) scientific nomenclature. In 2014, the writer Zach Goldhammer traced the global origins of the all-American entrée; it’s the perfect article to pore over as you dig into your leftover mashed potatoes, stuffing, and guinea-fowl-rooster-peacock.

— Nicole

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Why GOP Candidates Are Fighting about Shoes

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › newsletters › archive › 2023 › 11 › republican-debate-shoes › 675969

This is an edition of The Atlantic Daily, a newsletter that guides you through the biggest stories of the day, helps you discover new ideas, and recommends the best in culture. Sign up for it here.

In an unserious Republican primary race, low blows have been flying—including about candidates’ footwear. The insults are petty, but they help reveal what’s become of national politics in 2023.

First, here are three new stories from The Atlantic:

The day after Netanyahu The West must defeat Russia. Most Americans are better off.

Cowbot Boots and a Suit

Republican primary candidates are avoiding the elephant in the room. None of the candidates at this past Wednesday’s debate have a good shot at beating Donald Trump, and instead of taking him on, some have stooped to petty jabs and personal attacks. As my colleague Tom Nichols wrote in this newsletter yesterday, the debate was an unserious spectacle. One particularly unserious topic of conversation? Footwear.

At the debate on Wednesday, Vivek Ramaswamy used the phrase “Dick Cheney in three-inch heels” to describe Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis, to which Haley retorted that she was actually wearing five-inch heels. The exchange was somewhat eye-roll-inducing, but it’s also a telling sign of how national politics has devolved. Politicians have always been subjects of public consumption. But Trump, a literal reality-television star, brought political figures further into the territory of entertainment and celebrity, with the surface-level fascinations that are characteristic of those realms. Trolling has become a dominant form of political campaigning, especially on the right, and we saw plenty of that onstage this week, especially from Ramaswamy.

Ramaswamy’s jabs were undeniably petty, but politicians are public figures aiming to amass tremendous power, and their choices—including sartorial ones—are fair game for public scrutiny. How politicians present themselves says a lot about how they want to be perceived among voters. Their shoes in particular can either disappear into the background or make a strong statement. My colleague Amanda Mull, who covers consumer culture for The Atlantic, told me that, especially in conservative circles with relatively circumscribed dress norms, accessories are a place where taste and personality can shine through. “Shoes are a particularly powerful accessory,” she told me, “because not only do they hold the power to convey personality, but they also undergird the entire structure of your body. Shoes can change your height, your posture, and how you move through space, which are all things that engender social responses from the people around you.”

Shoes like stilettos can project a mastery of the feminine, and wearing cowboy boots under a suit, as DeSantis does, conveys a desire to send the message that you’re “not really some kind of desk-job dweeb, but a man’s man who chafes under urban coastal formality,” Amanda said. (Ramaswamy’s taunt at Wednesday’s debate alluded to allegations that DeSantis wears hidden lifts in those cowboy boots, which DeSantis strenuously denies.)

Haley’s embrace of her own heels is part of a long history of foregrounding her feminine footwear. As Vanessa Friedman noted in The New York Times, “Ms. Haley has pre-emptively weaponized her wardrobe for herself. She owns the heels in this race, just as she owns the skirt.” Friedman noted that Haley frequently references kicking rivals with high heels. When she was South Carolina governor in 2012, she said, “I wear high heels, and it’s not a fashion statement—it’s for ammunition … I’ve got a completely male senate. Do I want to use these for kicking? Sometimes, I do.” She’s returned to versions of that line several times since. So the DeSantis cowboy-boot allegations—surfaced in Politico by Derek Guy, the so-called “menswear guy”—landed nicely in her thematic wheelhouse. Sure enough, Haley gleefully teased DeSantis about it on The Daily Show last week: “We’ll see if he can run in them,” Haley told Charlamagne tha God, the show’s guest host.

Haley is savvy to try to get ahead of the scrutiny about her clothes and style choices that female politicians are often dogged by. Such criticism can follow a politician throughout her political life: Theresa May wore a pair of loud leopard-print pumps early in her career, and the story trailed her for years; British tabloids have obsessively cataloged her shoe choices ever since. When she became prime minister in 2016, she reportedly wore another pair of leopard-print pumps.

For male politicians, shoes can be a symbol of belonging, of joining a fraternity of power. The so-far-all-male line of American presidents has enjoyed bespoke shoes from the same cobbler since 1850: A company called Johnston & Murphy makes custom shoes for each commander in chief. Woodrow Wilson, a natty dresser, apparently broke with the trend of muted dark dress shoes and received white buckskin shoes. In 2015, the company’s CEO told CNN that it was prepared to make shoes for a female president, though so far the opportunity has not arisen.

Public figures’ shoes can also signal interests and priorities at different stages of a career: After leaving office, Barack Obama began appearing in public wearing Allbirds, wool sneakers favored by the tech industry, signaling his entry into a postpresidential tech-bro-chic life as a podcaster and a media mogul. As GQ noted in 2020, the shoes align with Obama’s identity—and help set him apart from his peers: “The outfit was nearly a decade behind the rest of the menswear world—but, grading on a presidential curve, Obama may as well have been Russell Westbrook in the pregame tunnel.” (The presidential cobbler does great work, but presidents are not known for their stylish footwear choices.)

Politicians can use footwear to put out whatever messages they want. But how we interpret them is a different matter. As Amanda noted, sometimes projections of cultural affinity through dress fall flat. “Simply invoking this kind of signal doesn’t guarantee it will be convincing. Cowboy boots with a suit are a little tricky to pull off,” she said, when everyone knows that you’re from the Tampa Bay area and went to Harvard.

Related:

The secret presidential-campaign dress code Why the pantsuit?

Today’s News

Senator Joe Manchin announced yesterday that he will not run for reelection in West Virginia, putting Democrats’ Senate majority at risk. The White House announced that President Joe Biden will meet with President Xi Jinping next Wednesday in an attempt to smooth over relations. House Republicans continue to disagree over spending but are expected to propose a stopgap spending measure tomorrow to prevent a partial government shutdown.

Dispatches

The Books Briefing: A nonfiction writer’s biggest challenge is to break down how the world works without being boring, Emma Sarappo writes.

Explore all of our newsletters here.

Evening Read All photos courtesy of Alex Tizon and his family

My Family’s Slave

By Alex Tizon (From 2017)

The ashes filled a black plastic box about the size of a toaster. It weighed three and a half pounds. I put it in a canvas tote bag and packed it in my suitcase this past July for the transpacific flight to Manila. From there I would travel by car to a rural village. When I arrived, I would hand over all that was left of the woman who had spent 56 years as a slave in my family’s household.

Her name was Eudocia Tomas Pulido. We called her Lola. She was 4 foot 11, with mocha-brown skin and almond eyes that I can still see looking into mine—my first memory. She was 18 years old when my grandfather gave her to my mother as a gift, and when my family moved to the United States, we brought her with us. No other word but slave encompassed the life she lived. Her days began before everyone else woke and ended after we went to bed. She prepared three meals a day, cleaned the house, waited on my parents, and took care of my four siblings and me. My parents never paid her, and they scolded her constantly. She wasn’t kept in leg irons, but she might as well have been. So many nights, on my way to the bathroom, I’d spot her sleeping in a corner, slumped against a mound of laundry, her fingers clutching a garment she was in the middle of folding.

Read the full article.

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Aidan Zamiri

Listen. PinkPantheress, one of Gen Z’s most exciting new stars, harnesses the sound of intelligent artificiality on her new album.

Watch. The Marvels (in theaters now) is a reminder of what Marvel needs.

Play our daily crossword.

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Katherine Hu contributed to this newsletter.

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