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The Many Sides of Love

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › newsletters › archive › 2025 › 02 › love-friendship-valentines-day › 681713

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In a recent article, the writer Haley Mlotek asks: “How can we define [love] well enough to demarcate its beginnings and endings?” Or, in the words of a classic ’90s song that I imagine will now be stuck in your head, “What is love?”

This post–Valentine’s Day morning, we’re sharing a collection of stories that explore the many facets of love. The following articles interrogate love as a feeling, a source of happiness, and the foundation of friendship and romance alike.

Seven Books That Capture How Love Really Feels

By Haley Mlotek

These books are all exquisite arguments for the necessity of stories about romance.

Read the article.

The Type of Love That Makes People Happiest

By Arthur C. Brooks

When it comes to lasting romance, passion has nothing on friendship.

Read the article.

What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

By Rhaina Cohen

“Our boyfriends, our significant others, and our husbands are supposed to be No. 1. Our worlds are backward.”

Read the article.

Still Curious?

Don’t let love take over your life: In 2023, Faith Hill argued for the importance of love-life balance. The case for dating a friend: The warmth and care of an existing friendship is a great foundation for a romantic relationship—even if it feels scary to take the leap, Joe Pinsker wrote in 2022.

Other Diversions

The rich tourists who want more, and more, and more What the biggest Saturday Night Live fans know The brilliant stupidity of internet speak

P.S.

Courtesy of Scott Oglesby

Each week, I ask readers to share a photo of something that sparks their sense of awe in the world. “On my daily drive to town in Schoharie County, New York, I’ve stopped many times to take this same panoramic shot of the upper Catskills. I never tire of it as it changes each season,” writes Scott Oglesby, 78, from Middleburgh, New York.

I’ll continue to feature your responses in the coming weeks. If you’d like to share, reply to this email with a photo and a short description so we can share your wonder with fellow readers in a future edition of this newsletter or on our website. Please include your name (initials are okay), age, and location. By doing so, you agree that The Atlantic has permission to publish your photo and publicly attribute the response to you, including your first name and last initial, age, and/or location that you share with your submission.

— Isabel

The Science Behind the Art of Conversation

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › ideas › archive › 2025 › 02 › science-behind-art-conversation › 681562

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As a rule, I avoid social and professional dinners. Not because I’m anti-social or don’t like food; quite the opposite. It’s because the conversations are usually lengthy, superficial, and tedious. Recently, however, my wife and I attended a dinner with several other long-married couples that turned out to be the most fascinating get-together we’ve experienced in a long time. The hostess, whom we had met only once before, opened the evening with a few niceties, but then almost immediately posed this question to the couples present: “Have you ever had a major crisis in your marriage?”

Quite the icebreaker, right? Faced with that, you might think you’d be making your excuses and beating a hasty retreat. But first, keep in mind the social milieu: This dinner took place in Madrid, not Minneapolis. More to the point, the hostess introduced the topic with a rare degree of grace and skill: She did so in a way that communicated genuine curiosity about other people’s experience, and with warmth, humor, and love. Her question drew fascinating, candid, thoughtful responses—so, far from itching to leave, I found that the hours flew by (no small feat, given that many dinners in Madrid go past midnight).

The occasion left me thinking that most of us could learn a thing or two about how to participate in a conversation—even a delicate or difficult one—so that the exchange inspires joy and interest. Luckily, plenty of research exists that can show how to do just that.

[Read: Have the conversation before it’s too late]

Some people have an easier time with conversation than others. Extroverts in particular find social intercourse invigorating, whereas introverts typically experience it as taxing. Neuroscientists have offered an interesting explanation for this. For a 2011 paper in the journal Cognitive Neuroscience, researchers used electroencephalography to measure a form of brain activity, known as the P300 wave, when subjects were presented with human faces. They found that extroverts had higher P300 amplitudes than introverts, meaning that social stimuli grabbed their attention (an obvious precondition for, say, engaging energetically in conversation). The introverts showed less brain activity associated with attraction to, or interest in, the faces of potential interlocutors—so individuals of this type, we can reasonably assume, would be less primed for lively conversation.

Another group for whom conversations can be difficult is people on the autism spectrum, even if their autism is mild and they are very high-functioning. Experts in this field offer three explanations for this: a resistance to changing topics, a failure to ask follow-up questions, and a tendency to fixate on a particular topic to the exclusion of others.

One common problem with conversations is that we don’t understand one another as well as we think we do. Writing in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology in 2011, five scholars showed that even among friends and spouses, people believe they understand the intended meaning of what others say 85 percent of the time, whereas the true figure for the reliability of their comprehension is 44 percent. As the researchers note, a query as innocent as “What have you been up to?” could convey genuine interest, annoyance at the other person’s lateness, or suspicion about what they’ve been doing. This instability of meaning might be because of tonal ambiguity or because people actually don’t listen to one another well enough. In one recent experiment in which subjects were assigned the task of getting to know someone, a conversational partner was in fact not listening to the other person for 24 percent of the interaction.

[Listen: Best of How To: Make small talk]

Arguably, the foremost reason that conversations are difficult is because we don’t prepare for them or work to get better at them. This is the argument of my Harvard colleague Alison Wood Brooks (no relation), whose new book, Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, follows decades of research on how we interact with people, and how to do it better and more enjoyably. As Brooks shows, people generally spend more time thinking about what they will wear to a dinner party than what they will talk about. Researchers have found that, laziness aside, this insouciance about conversation is because 50 percent believe that thinking about topics in advance will make a conversation feel forced and artificial; only 12 percent of people think such mental preparation will enhance the experience.

Brooks helpfully lays out four research-backed principles for conducting a strong and enjoyable conversation, for which she provides a mnemonic device called, appropriately enough, TALK.

T is for topics.
Before you go into a conversation, think of a few subjects that you’d like to discuss with your partners. This no doubt was on the mind of our hostess in Madrid. She was well aware that her guests shared her values and beliefs about marriage, and almost certainly weighed the risks beforehand of launching a delicate topic. Her icebreaker was not spontaneous but premeditated, which—far from making the gambit awkward—raised the level of trust around the table.

This tactic is appropriate for settings other than dinner parties. I typically write down significant questions that I want to ask my wife. Try to keep a running list of topics that would be good when talking with various significant people in your life. You might use a prepared question as a good reason for a call or visit.

A is for asking.
Obviously, a stiff interrogation does not make for a great conversation. My young-adult students commonly complain that this mode of questioning is the only way their parents communicate with them, which suggests that some parents get stuck in a pattern dating from when their children were little and have not developed a relationship with them as mature adults. That is a particular generational and perhaps intra-familial problem. But as a rule, a conversation without questions is unrewarding—it’s no fun to talk with someone who seems totally incurious.

The difference is that good questioning requires deep listening. When you’re genuinely focused on what the other person is saying, follow-up questions come naturally. In contrast, when listening means nothing more than waiting to talk—so often the case in my world of academia—follow-up questions are either nonexistent or pro forma.

L is for levity.
Brooks is a big proponent of humor, because it makes conversations fun. This doesn’t mean that you need to join an improv-comedy troupe. In fact, successful humor rarely means telling jokes; it means maintaining a “good humor”: a lightness and a gentle wit, which keep things from being too heavy and serious. We might think of laughter more as a social lubricant than a response to a punch line. Indeed, in one study, researchers found that only 10 to 15 percent of laughter in a conversation was responding to something actually humorous.

An easy way to maintain this type of good humor is simply by smiling—as much for your own benefit as your conversational partners’. Psychologists have long known that when we smile, it can raise our own mood. Moreover, good humor transmitted with a smile has been shown to be contagious in interactions; a person will tend to take the emotional cue of a sympathetic smiling face and feel happier themselves. As you get ready for your next dinner party, try smiling in the mirror while putting on your tie or makeup.

K is for kindness.
This is probably the most important ingredient in a good conversation. You might think of it as generosity, because it involves thinking about what the other person in a conversation needs and then giving it. As Brooks notes, this might be encouragement, hard feedback, new ideas, a quick laugh, a sounding board, challenging questions, or just a break. But it always means focusing primarily on the other person, rather than on yourself.

Perhaps that sounds exhausting or unenjoyable. Quite the contrary. As many studies have found, using your resources for others tends to promote greater happiness than using them on yourself. This doesn’t have to be limited to material resources, of course—in fact, your attention may be the most valuable thing you can share at any given moment.

[Arthur C. Brooks: The benefit of doing things you’re bad at]

One last thing to keep in mind about having better conversations: At our Madrid dinner party, the main ingredient of the sparkling exchange was its depth. The reason I shy away from dinners in general is their shallowness, their focus on topics of no true significance, the kind of encounter that simply passes the time innocuously, with no real investment or risk. I don’t care about your new golf clubs. Life is short; go deep or go home, I say.

Am I a weirdo, to hold this attitude? The science says not. A 2010 study in the journal Psychological Science found that the higher the percentage of conversation that is small talk, the lower the participants’ well-being, whereas the higher the percentage of substantive topics, the higher the well-being.

So go ahead: Invite us over and ask about our marriage. Mrs. Brooks and I will happily stay past midnight.

Celebrating Life and Death: Havana's Annual Mock Funeral Tradition

Euronews

www.euronews.com › video › 2025 › 02 › 06 › celebrating-life-and-death-havanas-annual-mock-funeral-tradition

In Havana, Cubans celebrated life and death with a mock funeral for 77-year-old Ricardo "Pachencho" Herrera, a retired mechanic

Why Reading Lolita in Tehran Holds Up

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › international › archive › 2025 › 01 › azar-nafisi-film-reading-lolita-tehran › 681465

The past few years may well be remembered as the nadir of Iranian-Israeli relations, and the first occasion when the two countries attacked each other directly. But they were also a golden period for Iranian-Israeli collaboration in cinema. In 2023, Tatami was the first-ever film to be co-directed by an Israeli (Guy Nattiv) and an Iranian (Zar Amir). And in 2024 came Reading Lolita in Tehran, directed by Eran Riklis, who is Israeli, and adapted from a book by an Iranian author, with an almost entirely Iranian cast. The film premiered at the Rome Film Fest last year and is now starting to tour the United States.

Anyone old enough to remember cultural life at the beginning of this century will know the book. Azar Nafisi’s memoir came out in 2003, spent 36 weeks on the New York Times best-seller list, and quickly developed a cult following. A reviewer for The Nation confessed to missing a dental appointment, a business lunch, and a deadline just because she couldn’t put the book aside.

Literary scholars—Nafisi is an English professor—are not known for their page-turning thrillers. But Nafisi’s story and prose are captivating. She’d gone to Iran shortly after the 1979 revolution in the hope of putting her American education to use by teaching English at a university. Instead, she was hounded out of the classroom by authorities hostile to Western literature. She wound up holding clandestine seminars for young women in her living room, delving into the masterpieces that the Islamic Republic forbade: the Vladimir Nabokov novel that gives the memoir its name, alongside the works of Henry James and Jane Austen, as well as one of Nafisi’s favorites, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. Nafisi brings these classics into dialogue with the real-life stories of young Iranians in the heady decades following the 1979 revolution. Her book isn’t just about reading and teaching literature under a repressive regime, but about how literature in and of itself could serve as an antidote to all that the regime stood for.

[Read: The problem with boycotting Israel]

Despite its global fame and translation into 32 languages, Reading Lolita in Tehran was never turned into a film before now, mostly because Nafisi didn’t like the proposals she’d received. Then, seven years ago, Riklis came around, as he recounted to a New York audience on January 13, after a special screening of the film. The Israeli director managed to convince Nafisi of his vision—and then to secure the funding, assemble a suitable Iranian cast, and settle on Rome as the shooting location, given that Tehran was not an option.

When the book was initially released in 2003, the American zeitgeist, shaped by 9/11 and the Bush administration’s global War on Terror, was rife with debates about the representations of Muslim women and life in the Middle East. Nafisi’s was one of several popular memoirs by Iranian women published during this period, including Firoozeh Dumas’s Funny in Farsi (2003) and Marjane Satrapi’s Persepolis series (2000–03). And perhaps inevitably, given its success, Nafisi’s book became the subject of political scrutiny, much of it bearing little relation to the book’s content. Although Nafisi opposed the Iraq War, some critics lumped her in with neoconservatives because she portrayed the travails of Iranians under an anti-American regime. One scholar even proclaimed that he saw no difference between her and American soldiers convicted of abusing prisoners in Iraq.

More than 20 years later, Riklis’s loyal adaptation has opponents just as the book did, and even more so because of the nationality of its director. In Tehran, the regime media have denounced the film as furnishing a “pretext for attacking Iran” and called its Iranian actors “traitors working with Zionists.” One outlet claimed that the film peddled a “violent, anti-culture, anti-art, and anti-human view of Iran and Iranians.”

The idea that Reading Lolita in Tehran is anti-Iranian because of its portrayal of the Islamic Republic, and of the life of women under its rule, was always patently ridiculous. The claim bears up particularly poorly in 2024, two years after women-centered protests rocked Iran under the slogan “Women, Life, Freedom.” What Nafisi does best, and the reason her work has endured, is precisely to refuse cartoonish portrayals and basic morality plays.

In Riklis, known for his empathetic depiction of Israelis and Palestinians in films such as Lemon Tree and Dancing Arabs, her book finds an able interpreter who has stayed true to its ethos. The film isn’t neutral. It vividly tells the story of how puritanical Islamist goons attacked universities in the early years after 1979, imposed mandatory veiling on women, and banned books they didn’t like. But neither is it a simple story of scary Islamists versus heroic women resisters.

The film captures the atmosphere of Iran in the 1980s and ’90s remarkably well for having been shot in Italy and directed by an Israeli who has never set foot in the country. The dialogue is mostly in Persian, a language Riklis doesn’t speak; he was able to pull this off with the help of a carefully chosen cast of diasporic Iranians. Golshifteh Farahani, perhaps the best-known Iranian actor outside the country, is at her height as Nafisi, whom she plays as confident but humane, by turns brazen and vulnerable.

The young women of the clandestine class include Sanaz (Zar Amir), who has survived imprisonment and torture; Mahshid (Bahar Beihaghi, in one of the film’s most delightful performances), who, unlike most of her classmates, wore the Islamic veil even before the revolution and defends an ideal of modesty as virtue; and Azin (Lara Wolf), whose multiple divorces make her an object of fascination to the less experienced students, but who turns out to be suffering from domestic abuse.

In Nafisi’s apartment, the students are far from the prying eyes of the regime and also of men (even the professor’s husband is barred from their meetings). They construct for themselves, in that all-female room, a little literary republic that survives the years of war and revolution. In one memorable scene, Nafisi has the students practice a Jane Austen–era dance as part of their study of Pride and Prejudice, drawing parallels between the stifling rules of courtship in Victorian England and those of some contemporary families in Iran.

The film also ventures beyond that cloistered space. Bahri (Reza Diako), a devout 1979 revolutionary, is nevertheless an avid student in Nafisi’s class at the university before it is shut down. Despite their diametrically opposed politics, Nafisi and Bahri form a bond. Early in the story, she tells him his essay on Huckleberry Finn is the best she’s ever received from a student, even in America. The two reconnect when Bahri returns from the Iran-Iraq War of 1980–88, having lost an arm. He has used his family connections to the regime to obtain a surprise gift for his old professor: two tickets to The Sacrifice, by Andrei Tarkovsky, showing at the Tehran film festival. The connection between Nafisi and Bahri is presented with complexity and without sentimentality, neither papering over political differences nor caricaturing Bahri as a generic revolutionary.

In this way, both film and book avoid didacticism. And in doing so, they demonstrate exactly the point Nafisi explores with her students, which is the power of literature to stir empathy across seemingly unbridgeable divides. When the group discusses The Great Gatsby, Nafisi insists on understanding the forbidden love that Daisy Buchanan, the married socialite, has for Jay Gatsby as a true human feeling, not a symbol of Western perfidy, as some of her more revolutionary students claim it to be. The latter advocate banning the book. Nafisi organizes a mock trial for the novel in her class, with students divided into teams for and against.

[Mona Simpson: Book group in chadors]

Nafisi calls on students on both sides of the political divide to treat each other with humanity. When she catches some in her class expressing glee at the wartime deaths of pro-regime peers, she enjoins them not to become like their oppressors. And she is no dogmatic opponent of Islam, only of religiously inspired repressive government: At one point Nafisi tells Bahri, “My grandmother was the most devout Muslim I knew. She never missed a prayer. But she wore her scarf because she was devout, not because she was a symbol.” (I am not the only critic with a Muslim background who found this line powerful.)

The point here isn’t just to repeat the liberal platitude that “the problem isn’t with Islam but with its repressive enforcement.” Rather, Nafisi is rejecting the revolutionaries’ tendency to treat all that surrounds them as a field of symbols. People are worth more than that, she tells them and us, as though echoing the Kantian dictum to treat one another “as an end, never merely as a means.”

This message about the humane power of literature makes Reading Lolita in Tehran a work of art rather than an exercise in sloganeering. And the fact that now, more than two decades after the book’s release, and at a time of regional tension, an Israeli filmmaker has worked with Iranians to adapt Nafisi’s book to the screen gives the film a special power.

The audience at the screening I attended, at a Jewish community center on the Upper West Side, included American Jews, Israelis, and Iranians. What we had in common was the experience of being gripped by a story about the capacity of literature to reveal us to one another as ends rather than as means. The setup might sound mawkish. But I recommend avoiding the temptation of cynicism and embracing the film as truly one for these times.

Life in Another Light, 2024 Infrared-Photography-Contest Winners

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › photo › 2025 › 01 › infrared-photography-contest-winners-2024 › 681316

After reviewing more than 3,000 entries in 11 categories from photographers around the world, the judges of this year’s “Life in Another Light” biannual infrared-photography competition recently made their top picks. Contest organizer Kolari Vision was kind enough to share some of the top and winning images below.

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