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Should I Leave My American Partner?

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › culture › archive › 2025 › 02 › dear-james-american-partner-missing-home-country › 681638

Editor’s Note: Is anything ailing, torturing, or nagging at you? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker tackles readers’ questions. Tell him about your lifelong or in-the-moment problems at dearjames@theatlantic.com.

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Dear James,

I’m 27 years old, I live in New York, and I’m in a healthy, loving relationship with a guy I met here. He’s caring and hardworking, and my family and friends love him for me. The problem is, I don’t know if I want to live in the United States long term. I’m from abroad—a country far enough away that my partner has never been—and I moved to the U.S. on a temporary work visa. As my relationship becomes more serious, I grapple with the thought of having to be here forever.

I never grew up thinking I’d migrate anywhere permanently. I’m very close to my family back home, and I have a comfortable, if not cushy, life there. In the U.S., I deal with the social, political, cultural, and legal hurdles of being a foreigner in a place where the current climate isn’t always the most friendly. I don’t have the financial or personal freedoms I would like. I deal with racists. I get homesick.

My partner loves his job, it pays extremely well, and it legally ties him to working within the United States. Basically, he could never move for me. But when I think about committing to him, I can’t help mourning everything I imagine I’d be giving up. Maybe I’m just being young and foolish and don’t realize that my problems are a speck in the grand scheme of things. I don’t know. Perhaps you can tell me?

Dear Reader,

As an expat, self-transplanted from England to be in America with my American wife, I feel you. This is a beautiful, crazy, wide-as-you-like country, merciless in some ways, impossibly generous in others, and for better or worse I became myself here. That’s one of the things America can do. No gains without losses, though, and I feel the pull of home too: all the occasions missed, the conversations that never happened, the hangs unhung … It’s sort of a shadow on me, my life’s dark side of the moon.

But let me ask you this: Are you thrilled to be with this guy? I mean thrilled to bits, thrilling to his touch, all of that? You say he’s caring, hardworking, your family loves him—all good stuff. Great stuff. And I don’t want to do him an injustice. But somewhere, at some level, in some layer of your being, you’ve got to be thrilled. I think perhaps if you were thrilled, you wouldn’t be asking yourself these questions.

I could be wrong, though, and the two of you might have a scorching and vibrant thing that you have modestly under-described in your letter. Whatever the case, here’s my advice: Don’t leave. America is a challenge. America is an invitation. America puts you on your mettle. Especially right now, in (to use your phrase) the “current climate” of the United States: America needs you!

Reading the news and listening to Bad Brains,

James

By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it in part or in full, and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.

Gerald Ford’s Unlikely Role in the Imperial Presidency

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › books › archive › 2025 › 02 › gerald-fords-nixon-pardon-paved-the-way-for-elon-musk › 681637

Elon Musk has brazenly dismantled government agencies because he can feel assured of his insulation from the law. By the end of Donald Trump’s presidency, he may well receive a pardon. That’s what many recent pardons (Paul Manafort, the Biden clan, the January 6 insurrectionists) suggest: Presidential loyalists and family members are, in effect, immune from prosecution. On the most disturbing scale, they have become like diplomats who can park wherever they want.

The dawn of this age of impunity can be dated to any number of administrations. In his new book, The Pardon, Jeffrey Toobin makes a compelling case that a primary culprit is the 38th president, Gerald Ford. Toobin’s thesis is brashly revisionist; Ford’s pardon of Richard Nixon has gone down in history as a great act of beneficence. According to conventional wisdom, by immunizing Nixon from prosecution, Ford short-circuited years of polarizing legal proceedings against the former president that would have torn the nation asunder. But Toobin argues that this overpraised act of catharsis established a precedent of lawlessness. The road to Trump begins, in some moral sense, with the absolution of Nixon.

At a glance, the amiable Ford, a college football star and World War II veteran, seems impossible to villainize. Compared with Trump or Nixon, he was the picture of humble decency. On the day he became president, he lumbered out of his suburban-Virginia house in a bathrobe to pick up the paper. In the White House, he toasted his own English muffins. He told dad jokes, played in celebrity golf tournaments, and had a reputation for basically wanting to do the ethical thing.

Having stumbled into the Nixon presidency, as the replacement for the venal vice president Spiro Agnew, he stumbled into the presidency after Watergate. As Chevy Chase portrayed him on Saturday Night Live, dooming him in popular memory, he was always stumbling. The shtick drew on President Lyndon B. Johnson’s famous aperçu, “Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” (Johnson also declared, “There’s nothing wrong with Jerry Ford, except that he played football too long without his helmet.”)

As the Watergate scandal unfolded, Ford made it his mission to learn as little about it as possible. He defended Nixon in the vaguest terms, and essentially ran in the other direction when Nixon asked him to examine evidence in the scandal. Ford stubbornly, and somewhat inexplicably, refused to prepare for the possibility that he might become president. He had initially accepted the vice presidency in the hope that it would be a capstone to his long political career. Indeed, that was the reason Nixon picked him: He knew that Ford had so little appetite for the big job, and so little political guile, that he was unlikely to conspire to oust him.

[Read: Trump’s pardons are sending a crystal-clear message]

In the days leading up to his ignominious departure, Nixon hatched a very Nixonian plot to exploit Ford’s goodwill and naivete. He wanted to pressure the future president into pardoning him without ever making a direct ask—a strategy he conceived with the White House counsel Fred Buzhardt, under the cover of attorney-client privilege.

On August 1, 1974, Nixon told Alexander Haig, his chief of staff, that he wanted him to begin preparing Ford to assume the job. “Tell him what’s coming,” he instructed. Nixon knew that Haig would check in with Buzhardt before sitting down with Ford. This was the twist in his scheme: Buzhardt had prepared a memo for Haig, listing six “endgame” scenarios for Ford to consider. In classic Washington style, he arrayed the possibilities so that every plan entailed a messy, prolonged handoff except for one: “Nixon could resign and then Ford could pardon him.” This was the elegant solution, but it had the whiff of corrupt horse-trading.

The pardon wasn’t something that Ford had ever considered, so he peppered Haig with questions about it. Although they didn’t agree to anything in the course of conversation, Ford’s interest had been ignited. He came to believe that a pardon genuinely served his own interests. When he finally assumed the job, he wanted to be more than a pleasant placeholder, and he could never be his own man without first disposing of the looming presence of Richard Nixon.

And so Ford talked himself into the pardon. He read a 1915 Supreme Court decision, which ruled that the acceptance of a presidential pardon is tantamount to admitting guilt, and convinced himself that the public would accept that legal logic. He would tell aides that he felt sorry for poor old Nixon, who he worried was in physical decline.

Ford pushed the process forward without really debating the merits of a pardon with his staff. His poorly argued, nervously delivered speech announcing the decision to the nation was so rushed that aides didn’t have time to prepare a teleprompter. Ford barely gave congressional leaders a heads-up, and none of them could quite grasp his reasons for haste. Tip O’Neill, the majority leader in the House, asked Ford, “Then why the hell are you doing it?” He posed that question minutes before Ford went on national television.

In the most outrageous passage of the speech, Ford declared the fate of Richard Nixon “an American tragedy in which we all played a part.” The public, having been accused of complicity, took its revenge. In a single week, Ford’s popularity plummeted 21 percentage points. His party suffered catastrophic collapse in that year’s midterm election.

[Jeffrey Crouch: O]ur Founders didn’t intend for pardons to work like this

With the benefit of time, however, Washington revised its opinion of the decision. Bob Woodward, of all people, eventually concluded, “Ford was wise to act. What at first and for many years looked like a decision to protect Nixon was instead designed to protect the nation.” Ford slowly remerged with the reputation of a healer, a man of grace.

That revisionism is nostalgic gloss. Toobin makes a damning, nuanced case against Ford. Nixon had, at that point, committed the worst crimes in the history of the presidency, vividly and irrefutably captured on tape, and he escaped without any punishment. He received absolution without displaying remorse. “The pardon was just a free pass handed from one powerful man to another,” Toobin writes.

Despite his earnest desire to undo Nixon’s legacy, Ford’s pardon was itself an assertion of the imperial presidency. That’s because the pardon is an inherently Caesarean implement. In every other facet of the American system, carefully installed safeguards are designed to limit the authoritarian exercise of power. But there is no curb on the pardon other than the conscience of the executive issuing one. Presidents tend to tacitly admit that they are misusing this authority when they sheepishly hoard pardons for the final hours of their administration, waiting for the moment when there’s no political price to pay and hoping that their shabby behavior is drowned out by the inaugural hoopla.

By absolving his former patron, Ford helped create a new Washington ritual: the moment when presidents release their cronies, friends, and family from the bonds of justice. George H. W. Bush sprinkled his magic forgiveness dust over Casper Weinberger, Robert McFarlane, and Elliot Abrams, among others, letting them off the hook for the Iran-Contra scandal. Bill Clinton bailed out the financier Marc Rich, whose alleged crimes included buying oil from Iran in defiance of an embargo. (Rich’s wife was a generous donor to Clinton.) And then Joe Biden had the temerity to pronounce himself a defender of the rule of law before he used his presidential powers to insulate his own family from potential prosecution.

Over the past few weeks, Donald Trump has exposed the flimsiness of American institutions. Pressure-tested by his audacious assault on the civil services, those institutions instantly folded. But when a bridge tumbles into a river, the rivets and bolts don’t suddenly fail. They erode over generations. This is what happened in Washington: The unfettered power of the president kept expanding, Congress entered a state of sclerosis, the parties became apologists for their leaders, and courts fell into the hands of ideologues. As Toobin depressingly shows, even upstanding nice guys like Gerald Ford played their part in the collapse.

My Friend’s Instagram Account Has Taken a Dark Turn

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › family › archive › 2025 › 02 › dear-james-friend-instagram-dark-turn › 681557

Editor’s Note: Is anything ailing, torturing, or nagging at you? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker tackles readers’ questions. Tell him about your lifelong or in-the-moment problems at dearjames@theatlantic.com.

Don’t want to miss a single column? Sign up to get “Dear James” in your inbox.

Dear James,

I have a friend I used to be very close with—I was in her wedding party eight years ago—but life circumstances, life goals, and geographic distance have rendered us a lot less so. We don’t communicate much aside from reacting nicely to each other’s Instagram Stories, which don’t reveal a lot about a person. Recently, her posts, usually just happy photo dumps of her cat and vacations with her partner, have taken a turn; they’re full of odd quotes about being a bigger person, learning not to hate, purging one’s soul. She also posted an Instagram Story that made me think her cat was dead. But I follow her partner, too, and it seems that this person now lives in a separate city with the cat.

I feel called to check in, but all avenues seem awkward. Our last text exchange was just sharing links to news stories from months ago. Who am I to text, “Hey, saw on Instagram that you may be going through something”? I could send her a message on Instagram, but that seems insufficiently serious if she’s indeed going through a dark period as a result of what I presume to be a separation. If my presumption is wrong, then reaching out would be even more awkward. Any insight here?

Dear Reader,

This is why I’m not on Instagram.

You don’t get news about a person: You get shifts in curatorial policy. But it sounds as if your friend—unless she’s working on an elaborate cover story before embedding with a politically suspect performance-art troupe—is going through something. And as you’ve been conducting your own informal probe into her situation, you’ve been keeping in mind the old journalists’ maxim: Follow the cat. The cat has moved. The cat’s in a different city. The self-help quotes are proliferating. I smell brokenness.

The question is: Do you want to help her? Or are you just kind of fascinatedly tracking the downturn in her online vibes? (Another Instagram effect: It turns us into dissociated consumers of one another’s lives.)

If you do want to help her—and you were in her wedding party, which in my book gives you a stake, however remote, in this marriage—then I see nothing wrong with checking in via text, carrier pigeon, whatever. In fact, I would say: Definitely do it. It’s never too late, or too early, or too weird, to see if somebody’s okay. Encourage her, if you can, to give an account of herself that exceeds the pixelated Instagram version.

Rooting for the cat,

James

By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it in part or in full, and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.

To Stay In or to Go Out

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › newsletters › archive › 2025 › 02 › fomo-hanging-out-friends-weekend-plans › 681542

This is an edition of The Wonder Reader, a newsletter in which our editors recommend a set of stories to spark your curiosity and fill you with delight. Sign up here to get it every Saturday morning.

To stay in or to go out, that is the question. It’s the dance we do while checking the time before we’re supposed to meet up with friends after a long day at work. Finding the answer is often a matter of conducting a cost-benefit analysis: How far is the restaurant? How well do I know these people? And, most important: Will I regret not going?

FOMO, “fear of missing out,” can serve as a powerful engine for social engagements. Hearing the stories from that one night you stayed in can incentivize you to take a chance on the next invite. But not all plans are meant to be kept, and sometimes, the couch looks more appealing. The dance never ends—it’s just a matter of figuring out what’s worth making time for.

On Being Social

Your FOMO Is Trying to Tell You Something

By Faith Hill

Maybe you are missing out.

Read the article.

The Easiest Way to Keep Your Friends

By Serena Dai

It’s a little boring, a little type A, and a lot better than letting relationships fizzle.

Read the article.

How to Flake Gracefully

By Olga Khazan

An introvert’s guide to canceling plans without losing your friends

Read the article.

Still Curious?

What adults forget about friendship: Just catching up can feel stale. Playing and wasting time together like kids do is how you make memories, Rhaina Cohen wrote in 2023. The scheduling woes of adult friendship: To avoid the dreaded back-and-forth of coordinating hangouts, some friends are repurposing the shared digital calendar, a workplace staple, to plan their personal lives, Tori Latham wrote in 2019.

Other Diversions

The benefit of doing things you’re bad at The Stranger Things effect comes for the novel. “Dear James”: Oh, how the men drone on.

P.S.

Courtesy of Sharon Gunderson

I recently asked readers to share a photo of something that sparks their sense of awe in the world. “I didn’t know the red-tailed hawk was in the picture til I looked at it later!” Sharon Gunderson wrote about her ski trip to Flagstaff, Arizona. “And the light through the ice-lined aspen branches just made my heart sing all day.”

I’ll continue to feature your responses in the coming weeks. If you’d like to share, reply to this email with a photo and a short description so we can share your wonder with fellow readers in a future edition of this newsletter or on our website. Please include your name (initials are okay), age, and location. By doing so, you agree that The Atlantic has permission to publish your photo and publicly attribute the response to you, including your first name and last initial, age, and/or location that you share with your submission.

— Stephanie

What Trump’s Nominees Revealed

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › newsletters › archive › 2025 › 01 › rfk-jr-patel-gabbard-hearings › 681523

This story seems to be about:

This is an edition of The Atlantic Daily, a newsletter that guides you through the biggest stories of the day, helps you discover new ideas, and recommends the best in culture. Sign up for it here.

Americans keeping close track of political news may have been toggling their screens today between Senate confirmation hearings: the second day of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s for secretary of Health and Human Services, and the first for Tulsi Gabbard’s for director of national intelligence and Kash Patel’s for FBI director. But each of those three hearings deserves the public’s full attention: Donald Trump’s nominees offered new glimpses into their approaches to policy, truth, and loyalty to the president.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Day Two

Ahead of Kennedy’s first day of hearings, our colleague Nicholas Florko noted that the HHS nominee is no stranger to conspiracist statements: “RFK Jr. has insinuated that an attempt to assassinate members of Congress via anthrax-laced mail in 2001 may have been a ‘false flag’ attack orchestrated by ‘someone in our government’ to gin up interest in the government preparing for potential biological weapon threats. He has claimed that COVID was ‘targeted to attack Caucasians and Black people,’ and that 5G is being used to ‘harvest our data and control our behavior.’ He has suggested that the use of antidepressants might be linked to mass shootings.”

“If Republican senators skirt around [Kennedy’s] falsehoods during today’s confirmation hearings,” Nicholas wrote, “it will be evidence of their prevailing capitulation to Trump. And it also may be a function of Kennedy’s rhetorical sleights … He’s capable of rattling off vaccine studies with the fluency of a virologist, which boosts his credibility, even though he’s freely misrepresenting reality.” But Kennedy’s sleights didn’t serve him quite as well today as he might have hoped.

At several points, senators encouraged Kennedy to acknowledge that vaccines are not the cause of autism, but instead of confirming what numerous studies have shown to be true, Kennedy insisted that he would need to “look at all the data” before coming to any conclusions. “The room went silent today during Senator [Bill] Cassidy’s closing questions,” Nicholas noted when we spoke this afternoon. “Cassidy was practically begging Kennedy to recant his previous statements on vaccines. Kennedy, like everyone else in the room, had to know this was a make-or-break moment for his confirmation. But despite the potential fallout, Kennedy refused, promising only that he would look at any studies presented to him disproving a link between vaccines and autism.”

The nominee for HHS secretary also showed, for the second day in a row, his lack of understanding about basics of the Medicare system, fumbling his answers to a series of rapid-fire questions from Senator Maggie Hassan, a Democrat from New Hampshire. Hassan also shared that she is the mother of a 36-year-old with cerebral palsy, and accused Kennedy of relitigating settled science on the fact that vaccines do not cause autism. “It’s the relitigating and rehashing and continuing to sow doubt so we can’t move forward, and it freezes us in place,” she argued.

Cassidy, whose vote could prove key to whether RFK Jr. is confirmed, said after today’s hearing that he is “struggling” over whether to confirm Kennedy.

Tulsi Gabbard

Gabbard came into her confirmation process with a history that raises questions about her commitment to national security (she has, among other things, met with former Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and expressed sympathetic views toward Russian President Vladimir Putin). As our colleague Tom Nichols wrote in November, “Gabbard has every right to her personal views, however inscrutable they may be. As a private citizen, she can apologize for Assad and Putin to her heart’s content. But as a security risk, Gabbard is a walking Christmas tree of warning lights. If she is nominated to be America’s top intelligence officer, that’s everyone’s business.”

The topic that ultimately received much attention in her confirmation hearing today was her refusal to say whether Edward Snowden is a traitor. Despite pressure from Democratic and Republican senators, Gabbard refused to answer the question, repeating that Snowden had broken the law and that she would take steps to make sure whistleblowers know how to properly make a complaint. Gabbard also revealed that she was unable to extract any concessions in her 2017 meeting with Assad. “I didn’t expect to,” she said.

Gabbard’s potential confirmation will depend on how her somewhat incoherent set of policy views sits with Republican senators. Last week, our colleague Elaine Godfrey explored the one through line—besides ambition—that has guided Gabbard’s otherwise inconsistent political career.

Kash Patel

Donald Trump is not always clear about what he means when he refers to “DEI,” but presumably it involves how someone’s identity is taken into consideration during the hiring process. In this morning’s press conference addressing the tragic plane crash last night, Trump asserted, without evidence but crediting his “common sense,” that DEI hiring at the Federal Aviation Administration was at fault.

It was odd, then, that a few hours later, Republican senators used Patel’s confirmation hearing to highlight his identity: Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina asked about examples of racism Patel has experienced, and Senator Mike Lee of Utah acknowledged the struggles Patel and his father must have faced as racial minorities in the United States and Uganda, respectively. Senator Thom Tillis of North Carolina, as if he were reading from a book report about the Gujarati people, lauded the religious diversity in Gujarat, India, where Patel’s family is originally from, omitting the state’s extreme tensions and violent history. Patel opened his own remarks by acknowledging his family’s journey from abroad. He invoked the phrase Jai Shri Krishna, a standard greeting for a sect of Hindus seeking blessings.

Patel was calm and still—he became riled up only when questioned by Senator Amy Klobuchar about his past suggestion that he would “shut down the FBI Hoover Building on day one and reopen it the next day as a museum of the ‘deep state.’” But he was walking a tightrope. Today’s hearing may be the rare instance when Patel has publicly broken with Trump, to whom he has otherwise been unequivocally loyal. He refused to explicitly state that Trump lost the 2020 election, but he also said, “I do not agree with the commutation of any sentence of any individual who committed violence against law enforcement.”

Overall, Patel seemed to be trying to carefully toe a line, answering questions about the culture-war issues that Trump and congressional Republicans care about—Senator Marsha Blackburn, for example, asserted during the hearing that the FBI prioritizes DEI and “counting Swiftie bracelets” over conducting investigations—while attempting not to alienate the employees he hopes to lead. Pressed by Blackburn, Patel made a vague statement about the “high standards” FBI employees must meet.

Related:

RFK Jr. has a lot to learn about Medicaid. What everyone gets wrong about Tulsi Gabbard

Here are four new stories from The Atlantic:

The memo that shocked the White House The near misses at airports have been telling us something. Donald Trump is just watching this crisis unfold. Jonathan Lemire: “What I saw at Trump’s first press conference”

Today’s News

Officials announced that there are no survivors in the crash last night between a U.S.-military Black Hawk helicopter and a regional American Airlines passenger jet landing at an airport near Washington, D.C. Three soldiers were aboard the helicopter, and 64 people were on the flight from Wichita, Kansas. Donald Trump appointed Christopher Rocheleau as the acting administrator of the Federal Aviation Administration. The agency had not had an administrator since the start of Trump’s new term. Eight hostages were released from Gaza by Hamas, and Israel released 110 Palestinian prisoners.

Dispatches

Time-Travel Thursdays: Don Peck interviews Nicholas Carr about h​​ow online life has rewired our brains.

Explore all of our newsletters here.

More From The Atlantic

“The ‘exciting business opportunity’ that ruined our lives” Trump’s war on meritocracy If Iranian assassins kill them, it will be Trump’s fault, Tom Nichols writes. Don’t politicize aviation safety. The return of snake oil Why Meta is paying $25 million to settle a Trump lawsuit

Evening Read

Illustration by Ben Kothe / The Atlantic. Source: Getty.

Your FOMO Is Trying to Tell You Something

By Faith Hill

I feel deeply haunted by the thought that if I don’t go to the party or the dinner or the coffee stroll, my one wild and precious life will be void of a joyful, transformative event—one I’d surely still be thinking about on my deathbed, a friend at my side tenderly holding my hand and whispering, Remember? That time we went bowling and the guy in the next lane over said that funny thing? Every year, my New Year’s resolution is to keep one night of the week free from social plans. Almost every week, I fail.

Read the full article.

Culture Break

Illustration by The Atlantic. Source: Jamie McCarthy / Getty.

Listen. In the latest episode of Radio Atlantic, the MSNBC host Chris Hayes speaks with Hanna Rosin about how bad the war for your attention has really gotten.

Read. The Stranger Things effect is coming for the novel, Mark Athitakis writes.

Play our daily crossword.

Stephanie Bai contributed to this newsletter.

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Your FOMO Is Trying to Tell You Something

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › family › archive › 2025 › 01 › fomo-is-good › 681505

I have a joke I like to make—though it’s not funny, and it’s not really a joke. Whenever I know I won’t be able to join my friends the next time they hang out, I make everyone promise to not have fun without me. Sometimes I have us go around in a circle so that each person can individually pledge to have a bad time. If I check in after my absence and ask how the night was, I expect a shrug, perhaps an assurance that It was fine, but you didn’t miss much. If someone says the time without me was great, I actually find that rude.

I don’t think I’m the center of the universe, nor do I want to get in the way of my friends’ happiness. No—I just have chronic FOMO: “fear of missing out.” I feel deeply haunted by the thought that if I don’t go to the party or the dinner or the coffee stroll, my one wild and precious life will be void of a joyful, transformative event—one I’d surely still be thinking about on my deathbed, a friend at my side tenderly holding my hand and whispering, Remember? That time we went bowling and the guy in the next lane over said that funny thing? Every year, my New Year’s resolution is to keep one night of the week free from social plans. Almost every week, I fail.

This is no way to live, you might be thinking. FOMO tends to be described as a dark impulse, something that keeps you from being present as you worry instead about what better option could be around the corner, or scroll miserably through the online evidence of what fun everyone is having without you. A quick Google search yields results nearly all about overcoming or dealing with or coping with the fear of missing out—usually by talking yourself out of it. But I suspect my FOMO may have served me well. Sometimes you need a little anxiety to push you into doing something positive. And if you don’t go on the hike or the beach trip or the roller coaster, you quite literally will miss out. Why are we all so set on pretending that’s not the case?

[Read: Americans need to party more]

When the author and speaker Patrick McGinnis coined the term FOMO, he didn’t consider the fear a sinister force. He was a wide-eyed business-school student from a small town, surrounded by intellectual, career, and social opportunities. He wanted to say yes to everything, he told me. Once, he tried to go to seven birthday parties in one night. Then 9/11 happened, and he felt an even greater urge to take advantage of every minute. FOMO was a sign of abundant potential—that he could learn, that he could have meaningful experiences, that each day might be different from the one before. “If you don’t believe there’s possibility,” he said, “why would you have FOMO?” The 2004 op-ed in which he named the phenomenon gently poked fun at his fellow business students madly juggling invites. He never guessed that more than a decade later, people would be talking about FOMO with such seriousness (nor, I imagine, studying it with grim rigor, publishing studies with titles such as “Fear of Missing Out, Need for Touch, Anxiety and Depression Are Related to Problematic Smartphone Use”).

The world has changed since 2004, though. Social media began feeding the feeling of always being left out of something. Optimization-and-productivity culture encouraged the idea that one can engineer their schedule to accommodate the ideal number of enlightening, spiritually fulfilling plans. Then, naturally, a backlash arrived. It might be best summed up by a newer term: JOMO, or the “joy of missing out.” The idea is that you should savor your solitude, fully embrace the choice to do what you want to do rather than what others are doing.

Sounds reasonable. And yet, as an introvert, I know that socializing often sounds unappealing before I actually start doing it. What I’m in the mood for isn’t a very good gauge of what I should do, or what future me will enjoy. (Let’s face it—she’s a stranger!) What is a helpful indicator is FOMO: whether I have the uneasy suspicion that if I do what’s comfortable, I might not undergo something that would have stretched me or brought me closer to people. Without it, I never would have jumped into the frigid ocean last February for a polar plunge, or gone camping in September with a group of more than 30 people, most of whom I didn’t know. I would never do anything after work, when I’m reliably exhausted.

That’s not to say you should run yourself into the ground trying to do everything. FOMO isn’t a master you need to obediently follow but, as McGinnis put it, a “tap on the shoulder” reminding you that your existence is transient and you need to decide how to spend it. He distinguishes between two types of FOMO. One is “aspirational FOMO,” which is when you identify an exciting or interesting experience—one that might make your life fuller. Simply imagining that potential reward can lead to the release of dopamine in the brain. The other is “herd FOMO,” which is the fear of getting left out of a collective encounter—a prospect so appalling that it can trigger a fight-or-flight response, complete with a rushing heartbeat and sweaty palms. “Part of the brain goes berserk,” McGinnis told me. He thinks that people should lean into the first type, the kind that’s about embracing possibility, not avoiding pain.

[Read: The easiest way to keep your friends]

Each time you act on aspirational FOMO, you get more data about what you enjoy, what matters to you, what’s worth making time for. In that sense, FOMO-driven action might lead you to feel less FOMO overall. Many college students, McGinnis said, fear missing out when they first arrive on campus—but this is what can lead them to meet people, discover interests, and ultimately have a better sense of what they don’t mind skipping. “When you’re 30 and somebody invites you to a bar and you’ve been to 4,000 bars,” he told me, “you have such perfect information about this thing that you can make a decision without even fretting.”

I am, admittedly, a FOMO extremist; on the precipice of turning 30, I still feel the need to go to the bar for the 4,001st time. Maybe that’s my herd FOMO talking. But I also think that I will never have enough data to know what any given night will be like. Every time, the conversation is a little different; every time, my knowledge of a friend is deepened or complicated, even if that change is barely perceptible. Every so often it turns out that someone really needed me there. The activity isn’t the point, after all; I’m not looking to stack my social résumé with pastimes that make it sound like I had fun. I’m trying to spend the time I have with people I love. And I do fear missing out on that.

Oh, How the Men Drone On

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › culture › archive › 2025 › 01 › dear-james-self-absorbed-men › 681488

Editor’s Note: Is anything ailing, torturing, or nagging at you? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker tackles readers’ questions. Tell him about your lifelong or in-the-moment problems at dearjames@theatlantic.com.

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Dear James,

How can I put this without sounding like a harridan? With few exceptions, my male friends seem incapable of having a balanced, one-on-one social conversation with me. I like these guys very much and have known them for years. They’re the husbands of my closest friends. But after a perfunctory “How are you?” or some such rote inquiry, they’re off and running: I’m deluged with their reports of troublesome health problems, recent enviable travels, distressing interpersonal professional or personal dilemmas, upsetting political matters. Some of these topics interest me, so I’m willing to be a welcoming listener. (Disclaimer: I’m a psychotherapist.) When it gets to be too much, I occasionally try to steer the conversation toward me, but this suffices only momentarily—and soon we’re back to their “me, me, me-isms.”

I have no interest in confronting them and suggesting that they “work through” what I deem to be (mostly) their problem. I’m more intrigued by the possibility that you, obviously a liver of the examined life, may have some explanation for this phenomenon. Do you?

Dear Reader,

Men talk over, talk past, talk through women—it’s true. Across centuries of sonic warfare, we have used chauvinist bass, patriarchal booming, and crude shifts in tempo to seize and hold the floor. Also: long stories, which are their own form of conversational oppression.

But there’s no monopoly on self-involvement, in my experience. I’ve been solipsistically droned at by persons of all genders and none. People think I’m a good listener, but I’m really not. What I’m actually doing while they’re blathering is listening to myself—attending closely, that is, to my own reactions, positive or negative, and planning my (eventual, if they ever stop bloody talking) response.

You, though, are a therapist, and listening is your business. And consciously or not, these men are taking advantage of this: They’re getting your expertise for free. No doubt you ask them good questions and keep it flowing nicely, and they probably come away from these encounters feeling soulful and enriched—while you feel baffled and depleted.

So be less of a therapist, is my suggestion. Be a worse listener, a coarser and more rhythmless interlocutor. Invert your training! Fidget; sigh; check your phone. Laugh at the wrong thing. Launch your own anecdote, entirely unrelated. Belch. Throw these men off their hobbyhorses, off the tracks of their discourse. They might even thank you for it.

All ears,

James

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My Friend Is Stuck in a Self-Pity Doom Loop

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › culture › archive › 2025 › 01 › dear-james-sad-friend-talks-only-about-self › 681394

Editor’s Note: Is anything ailing, torturing, or nagging at you? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker tackles readers’ questions. Tell him about your lifelong or in-the-moment problems at dearjames@theatlantic.com.

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Dear James,

I have a longtime friend who has recently been going through a string of hard times: Work, relationships, family, friends, you name it—it’s been a bunch of tough episodes stacked one after the other. I’ve always wanted to be there for my friends, especially when they’re struggling, and it’s no different with this person. I’ve been seeing her frequently, talking her through a lot. Over the past few months, however, she wants to talk only about herself. Every conversation comes back to her, and she manages to turn even the most pleasant interaction into something grim, cynical, and self-pitying. It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to be around her, even though I’m sympathetic to what she’s going through. How can I be there for her while being honest when I think she’s feeling too sorry for herself—and trying to protect my own mental health?

Dear Reader,

It sounds like your friend is depressed. And one of the truly terrible things about depression is its power to turn you into a bore. I’m speaking from experience here. When I was depressed, I was an unbelievable bore. I bored the pants off plenty of people, including myself. I bored the universe, and it turned away in search of better company. So painfully confined was I in my own misfiring subjectivity that I had trouble feeling—had trouble imagining—the reality of anybody else. Me and my dilemma, that was all I could think about—and, consequently, all I could talk about. Not a condition in which much courtesy is extended to the listener.

However: It takes two not to tango. You have both created this thing, this faintly noxious dynamic whereby she moans and groans and curses, and you sit there inhaling secondhand depression. So what can you do to shake it up?

I think some wild gestures might be in order. Surprise her with a gift. Take her somewhere unexpected. Make things interesting. Crank up the gallantry, crank up the generosity: Send a spark of love and novelty into the black cloud. Don’t expect gratitude, or at least not immediately. And don’t give up. What you’re after is a micro-shift in the mood, an opening through which she can see, however narrowly or briefly, the world outside—which of course includes you. Do that for her, and you’ll be an amazing friend.

Through ruptured patterns,

James

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What Trump Did to Law Enforcement

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › politics › archive › 2025 › 01 › trump-law-and-order › 681365

Four years ago, scores of police officers were attacked only yards away from where Donald Trump will swear to defend the Constitution and faithfully execute the duties of his office. The scene, in the words of one officer, was “a non-stop barrage” with “weapons and things being thrown, and pepper spray, and you name it … You could hear them yelling. You could hear them, screams and moans, and everything else.” One officer later said that he was certain he would die the moment he entered the crowd: “You know, you’re getting pushed, kicked, you know, people are throwing metal bats at you and all that stuff. I was like, yeah, this is fucking it.”

All of this happened because Trump, according to Special Counsel Jack Smith’s report, could not accept his loss in the 2020 election, and so he tried on January 6, 2021, to “direct an angry mob to the United States Capitol to obstruct the congressional certification of the presidential election and then leverage rioters’ violence to further delay it.” The crowd that attacked the Capitol, Smith wrote, “was filled with Mr. Trump’s supporters, as made clear by their Trump shirts, signs, and flags,” and they “violently attacked the law enforcement officers attempting to secure the building.”

The ensuing riot was one of the worst days for law enforcement since 9/11. More than 140 officers were injured on January 6, but we know only the names of some of the most famous victims of the mob, such as Officers Michael Fanone, Aquilino Gonell, Harry Dunn, and others who have testified to Congress or given interviews. Their injuries were severe. Fanone was beaten to the point of a concussion and a heart attack; Gonell was attacked by more than 40 rioters and assaulted with his own riot shield. He has since undergone multiple surgeries and suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder.

In his campaign for reelection, the man who conjured this violence against his own government—and then stood by as police from multiple jurisdictions were attacked—portrayed himself as the guardian of law and order. (One of the themes of the 2024 GOP convention was “Make America Safe Again.”) This strategy worked: Trump yet again nabbed the endorsement of the National Fraternal Order of Police. The FOP vice president, Joe Gamaldi, said in November that police see Trump’s victory as a mandate from voters who are “tired of all the chaos and disorder we’re seeing in our streets. We are tired of the ‘defund the police’ talk, and basically we’re just tired of the crap.”

[Read: Trump’s empty promise of ‘law and order’]

The new president’s supporters may be tired of what they mistakenly believe is a rise in crime in the streets, but they’ve memory-holed Trump’s willingness to throw a swarm of raging insurrectionists against the same police forces that will be protecting him at today’s inauguration. Nothing, however, should be allowed to erase the truth that the party of law and order is now led by not only a convicted felon, but one who callously looked on as outnumbered police officers did battle for hours to protect the lives of the members of the United States Congress.

I understand the anger that some police officers feel when the public assumes that they’re all corrupt bullies, potential killers no better than the men involved in the ghastly 2020 murder of George Floyd. My father and brother were both police officers (Dad in the 1950s, and my brother from the 1960s to the 1980s). Our next-door neighbor when I was a boy was a police officer, and I grew up among cops in my small New England city. Most of them became “law and order” Republican voters when Richard Nixon was able to turn riots—including the mess at the 1968 Democratic National Convention—into a campaign issue.

Trump has done the same through his three presidential campaigns, depicting America as a lawless hellhole. At least Nixon, however, had the advantage of pointing to the other party, and to his political opponents, as the source of danger to Americans and their armed protectors. Trump has managed to erase from millions of minds the fact that the people who attacked the police on January 6 were his own supporters, acting on what they believed were his wishes.

“I would like to see January 6 burned into the American mind as firmly as 9/11,” the conservative writer George Will said in 2021, “because it was that scale of a shock to the system.” But like so many of Trump’s outrages and scandals, the attack on the Capitol has faded into the noise of the 2024 campaign. Trump today will likely thunder on about the return of law and order and swear to make America’s streets safer, but American voters, no matter their party, should remember what actually happened to scores of police officers because of Trump’s own actions.

Police officers at the Capitol were being attacked with an assortment of weapons—bear spray, flagpoles, even their own equipment. (“My helmet came down and felt like someone was on top of me and I couldn’t see anything,” the Capitol Police officer Winston Pingeon told ABC News in an October 2024 interview. “And I remember just thinking, I have to protect my gun, because they stole my baton.”) During all of this, Trump, as usual, was tweeting: “I am asking for everyone at the U.S. Capitol to remain peaceful. No violence! Remember, WE are the Party of Law & Order-respect the Law and our great men and women in Blue. Thank you!” Meanwhile, the mob pressed on. One officer recounted that rioters dragged him into the crowd, where they beat and tased him while yelling things such as “I got one!” and “Kill him with his gun!”

[Tom Nichols: Trump’s dangerous January 6–pardon promise]

Trump now refers to many of the rioters who have been convicted and jailed as “hostages.” He has promised to pardon some of them upon taking office. “Most likely, I’ll do it very quickly,” he said on Meet the Press last month, adding that “those people have suffered long and hard. And there may be some exceptions to it. I have to look. But, you know, if somebody was radical, crazy.”

The once and future president seems to have a forgiving definition of radical. On the campaign trail, he lauded a choir formed by some of the jailed insurrectionists. He even lent them his voice; their song, “Justice for All,” includes Trump reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and Trump regularly played it at his rallies. “Our people love those people,” Trump said last May.

Four of this “J6 Prison Choir” were charged with assaulting a law-enforcement officer. One rioter, Julian Khater, had already pleaded guilty to assaulting multiple officers before the song was recorded. He was sentenced to almost six years in prison. Another choir member, Shane Jenkins, was also sentenced to six years in prison after being convicted of seven felonies and two misdemeanors, including throwing makeshift weapons at the police. “I have murder in my heart and head,” he wrote to an associate in the weeks after the riot, according to the Justice Department.

Trump has described January 6 as “a day of love.” The police who were there know better. Many of them live with physical and psychological scars. Four of them committed suicide within a year. “Tell me again how you support the police and law and order when all these things are happening?” Gonell asked last spring.

Safely back in the White House, Trump will never have to answer that question. But every time he and other elected Republicans claim to be the party of law and order, Americans should remember the day that the 47th president was willing to sacrifice the men and women on the thin blue line on the altar of his own ambitions.

Should I Reach Out to My Literary Crush?

The Atlantic

www.theatlantic.com › culture › archive › 2025 › 01 › dear-james-literary-crush › 681303

Editor’s Note: Is anything ailing, torturing, or nagging at you? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker tackles readers’ questions. Tell him about your lifelong or in-the-moment problems at dearjames@theatlantic.com.

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Dear James,

I have a literary crush. Since first encountering this woman’s work several years ago, I have read her sentences aloud to more friends, acquaintances, and pets than I can count. At the end of each piece, I can’t help thinking: I want to meet this person. I want to pour a couple of drinks, pull a thread of ideas, and follow wherever the conversation wanders.

Why can’t I just enjoy her work and leave her alone? I know the gulf between art and artist can yawn wide. I also know I may simply be craving glory by association. Mostly, though, I think my life would be qualitatively richer for knowing the person behind those delightful and insightful words. Also, dare I say, her life might be enriched by knowing me.

Have you ever tracked down one of your living heroes? If so, how did it go? If not, what did you do with the unrelenting impulse to know them personally?

In all seriousness,

Not a Stalker

Dear Reader,

Very interesting. Do you know many writers? Because if you do, you’ll already be aware that the person on the page, so stylish and alluring, is very different from the person in the world—who is petulant and broody and self-absorbed, and can’t find their socks, and shakes their fist in the night at invisible editors, and takes three days to change a lightbulb, and weeps gently when they find they’ve run out of whiskey. I won’t say that a writer’s writing is the best part of themselves, but it is the most coherent; the writer’s actual personality is more of an afterthought. It lies around in glowing lumps, like the by-product or drossy sublimate of some violent industrial process. All of which is to say: Yes, you’ll be disappointed.

But that’s not the real question here. The real question is what to do with this crush, this “unrelenting impulse” of yours. To quote my friend John: Sweat it out. Digest, metabolize, transmogrify, do push-ups, take trains until it ceases to fill your imagination. You’re not a stalker (yet). But I get the feeling you’re in the grip of a fantasy. I’ve been there. So do not pursue or even virtually prowl around this writer. That way lies confusion. Do not so much as send a chastely admiring note—you’ll get wound up waiting for a response. Disentangle yourself from her beautiful sentences. Read some other books, by some other voice-y, glittery writers. Leave her in her realm, and get back to yours.

In solidarity,

James

By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it in part or in full, and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.